I don't know if I'm just getting old, or if I'm dying. Like the old house beside the canal in St. Peter's, Cape Breton Island, NS. On days like today I recall reading a pamphlet on the stages of dying, when my mom was in paliative care for the last week of her life.The pamphlet said that in the first stage you just don't want to do things you would normally enjoy, which explained why she didn't want to come to the phone and talk whenever I called, in the last few weeks before dad took her to the hospital.
Since I came back to Toronto, to spend more time with her while I still could, it has been a real struggle to make ends meet. There is no money for enjoying being back in the city, let alone to socialize. My only social activity is blogging. This was dropped on me when someone asked why I keep going back to freewebs, to put up with the Christian bashing. I answered honestly, when I explained that I had made many friends, and sometimes I could help some people out by answering questions about things I knew the answers to. But, as I included in the comment, it was my social life. How pathetic that must sound.
Another truth is that while blogging I don't think about things that would make me depressed. That is a God send: we don't tend to think of our own troubles if we are sensitive to the poor mental state of others, and can give them a word of encouragement. How odd it is to reach out when one is hurting, to comfort someone else; for it lifts your own spirits. Maybe that is one of the reasons that it is better to give than receive, as Jesus said.
There are many creative things I used to enjoy doing, which I can't be bothered with anymore, and I'm pretty well a recluse; going out only when I have to, but I'm glad I still enjoy reading and being online. So I guess I'm not ready to give up the ghost yet, even though sometimes I get tired of the struggle and think about what a relief it would be to go home to be with the Lord. It is usually only a fleeting thought, and because I still wake up in the morning there is something yet for me to accomplish before my time is due.
4 comments:
Thank you for stopping by my blog. And thanks for taking time to comment. I appreciate it.
I read today's post. I have chronic fatigue so I read and follow blogs a good deal of time each day, too. Those are the two best homebound things to do, I think. Blessings.
Hi Pat, nice to have seen you on my blog. I hope that by the time you read this, life will seem both brighter and lighter. I am lucky enough to have work I enjoy and a lifestyle I love, and I am even more fortunate in that I rarely suffer from down times, being what many people term as 'chipper' by nature, so I feel deeply for those who have a tougher deal in life.
Maybe you could write a blog, or a post, about your travels? Or even a book? If I can inspire you at all, I have written two memoirs and published them through Lulu.com, which is free and professional, so if you've got stories to tell or something to say, it's a creative way and very cheap way of putting your work out, and it has given me hours of enjoyment, not just in the writing, but also in the preparation of the manuscript and cover design too. I can recommend it!
Hi Sherry:
Thanks for leaving a comment on my post, "On days like today." Sorry I've taken so long to find it. I hope you will come back and check out my new post, there is a link to my YouTube site. There are a couple of interesting videos on my favorites page about what's in our drinking water; this could be part of your chronic fatigue problem; there is one that gives us a solution. It's worth checking out.
Hi VallyP:
Sorry it took so long to acknowledge your comment on my blog. I'm not sure if life is lighter, but I do have a mission, which is the content of my newest entry. I have started to rewrite my book, Beam Me Up LORD, and there is a link to it, and my YouTube url where I have gathered videos that have inspired this renewed vision. I'd like to invite you to check it out.
Post a Comment