On days like today.

I don't know if I'm just getting old, or if I'm dying. Like the old house beside the canal in St. Peter's, Cape Breton Island, NS. On days like today I recall reading a pamphlet on the stages of dying, when my mom was in paliative care for the last week of her life.

The pamphlet said that in the first stage you just don't want to do things you would normally enjoy, which explained why she didn't want to come to the phone and talk whenever I called, in the last few weeks before dad took her to the hospital.

Since I came back to Toronto, to spend more time with her while I still could, it has been a real struggle to make ends meet. There is no money for enjoying being back in the city, let alone to socialize. My only social activity is blogging. This was dropped on me when someone asked why I keep going back to freewebs, to put up with the Christian bashing. I answered honestly, when I explained that I had made many friends, and sometimes I could help some people out by answering questions about things I knew the answers to. But, as I included in the comment, it was my social life. How pathetic that must sound.

Another truth is that while blogging I don't think about things that would make me depressed. That is a God send: we don't tend to think of our own troubles if we are sensitive to the poor mental state of others, and can give them a word of encouragement. How odd it is to reach out when one is hurting, to comfort someone else; for it lifts your own spirits. Maybe that is one of the reasons that it is better to give than receive, as Jesus said.

There are many creative things I used to enjoy doing, which I can't be bothered with anymore, and I'm pretty well a recluse; going out only when I have to, but I'm glad I still enjoy reading and being online. So I guess I'm not ready to give up the ghost yet, even though sometimes I get tired of the struggle and think about what a relief it would be to go home to be with the Lord. It is usually only a fleeting thought, and because I still wake up in the morning there is something yet for me to accomplish before my time is due.

The Sociopaths Among Us.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm drawn to certain books. If there is any validity in the idea of how we decorate our place; or the pets we choose; and how we dress, then the books we are drawn to say a lot about us too. The subject of psychology, especially abnormal psychology, has always intrigued me.

I started to read about psychology at first to understand myself. I was really messed up when my husband deserted me. and blamed myself; I wanted to find out what was wrong with me.

This was '62, the year our second son was born. For some reason Freud caught my attention while I was at the library; having always been an avid reader, and learning much from books. His theories were surprising, and caused much painful soulsearching, but I got tired of his preoccupation with sex; something was missing from the picture he painted. It wasn't long after that when the Manson family made the news. I bought the book, 'Helter-Skelter'; written by the man who invesigated the case; if memory serves me well. I grew up with the stories of Jack the Ripper, and Sweenie Todd; I thought this book may shed some light on what makes people seriel killers. But it didn't satisfactorally answer the question of how someone could manipulate others to do their bidding.

What made people tick made me curious. I think my study of Astrology was originally for the purpose of understanding myself, and others. Considering how important relationships are to human beings; as essential as breathing, learning how to relate and deal with other people was something to be desired.

I was really pleased that Psych 101 was a required subject in the course I chose to take as a mature student, in '85. In the second year Consumer Psychology was an option, which I jumped on. I even borrowed another course textbook from one of my professors, to get more understanding of how the brain worked. At the time I was interested in studying how it might relate to my studies of Astrology; I knew Jung used it in his practice. What I wanted to know was which planets influenced the different parts of the brain; that hadn't been done yet.

This is an ongoing process, even to psychologists who do the studies, and write the books. At the moment I'm learning that Sociopathy cannot come up with answers to several disturbing questions. It seems that sociapaths are invisible, except if caught doing a crime, and many are too smart; or not criminally inclined. They are like fingerprints, individual; nothing outwardly gives them away. Like everyone else, they generally dress, and live a lifestyle that everyone sees as respectable; like the mask we all wear when we create a persona from which we can deal with other people. The scary thing is that 1 in 25 people are sociopaths, which means they have no conscience and can do whatever they want without any guilt feelings; it makes you think twice about the seemingly cold, heartless people you know.

What I like about this book, 'the socipath next door' by martha stout, ph.d. is that it is written to help us recognize them, so we can avoid becoming victims. The disturbing thing is that as I read the case stories it reminds me of people I know, some related by blood, which explains some of the behaviour that has often puzzled me. I'm only halfway through the book, and I'm really hoping she comes up with some effective ways of dealing with these 'loved ones.' So I'm eager to finish reading this book; so much so that it's actually distracting.

For now it is believed that there is no cure. Another disturbing thought is noticing some of my own anti-social behavior along the way; what's the old saying, "It takes one, to know one!" It certainly takes personal experience to empathize with others. Still I wonder if I were one of those born with a predisposition, who became relatively normal because of positive early bonding with loving caregivers. And so the quest for understanding continues.

A slave to your game.

I've been thinking about this new entry for a few days, but haven't been able to tear myself away from blogging on freewebs open forums. Fact is, I have become a slave to to it.

If obsessions, and addictions are equal to slavery, then I have become a slave to what was intended to be my ministry. The site itself hasn't been updated for about two months; having to answer a pile of private messages from website friends has become tiring; especially those who seem to need a lot of attention, and send emails as well.

It's possibly only being thoughtful, as I get add ons, which she thinks will interest me; however, she sent a really nice story that turned out to be a chain letter. I hate chain letters. Lately I haven't even gone to my email inbox. It reminds me of an article I read about internet protocal; i.e. manners expected on email. One was answering promptly. This problem lies in the number of friends you make after starting sites to socialize. The more friends you have the less attention you spend with each one, as you have to deal with each individually online. I suppose that's why chatboxes are so popular, but from what I've seen of them I find them inane.

For me the obsession is the open forums; especially 'rants & raves' that is the hottest topics. The comments can be reasonably long, and there is a lot of spiritual warfare going on there.

Something about the battle has infected my being; I enjoy bantering with the Christian bashers. I like wielding words, and picking apart the notions of those who aim criticism, and ignorant remarks, at those who are just trying to take the 'good news' to the world; as Jesus commanded.

The major instigator of the attacks on Christian forum sites is actually a very bitter 'once Christian' individual, who has turned to mysticism and occult practices. He reminds me of the ancient Israelites who turned their backs on God. I believe they and alla have something in common; some very desperate prayers were not answered and they lost trust in God's promises. I have even seen it in my own son; they don't want to disbelieve the existence of God, or Jesus, but they put their faith in worldly methods to get what they want, and are resentful that their prayers were not answered.

He has become very legalistic, and denies the name Jesus as being the actual name of the messiah, 'the Christ', because of the translations of language. Also he accuses all those who believe in 'the name' Jesus of being anti-Christ, or followers of Satan. The image that westerners use to depict Jesus, is the foundation for his false Christ theory. It's pretty safe to assume that it's Jesus he is actually striking out at. The followers are simply pawns in his well thought out plan to take over the forums, and drive the Christian presence away from them.

I cannot just let him do that. He doesn't want impressionable minds converted to Christianity.

At the moment alla is posting filthy spam, saying I encouraged CAoD to create such spam, but he only does it where I post, to I have to remove myself from serious threads. I will start another thread where I can do battle with alla. I am getting antsy to finish this, and move on with this idea.

The radical in my spirit is fighting back for the freedom of speech: to shed light on ignorance, and rebut propoganda whenever I see it. Alla if fighting back with a smear campaign, against me; he has litterally said I am his next target. He is so proud of the idea that he brought down CAod, but they still have a presence here; and keeping a low profile--just like alla did when we thought he had been dumped.

He doesn't intimidate me anymore. Having some experience with his modus operendi, and my new study of the sociopaths among us, it fairly easy to see what his game is now. Funny thing is that many of the old Christian posters, are not posting anymore. It would seem that the skeptics are also getting bolder, and increasing their own attacks; fortunately, many are more curious than simply hostile.